Old-fashioned marital discipline | Paul Friedman

Old-fashioned marital discipline | Paul Friedman

HomeThe Marriage FoundationOld-fashioned marital discipline | Paul Friedman
Old-fashioned marital discipline | Paul Friedman
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Wondering what old-fashioned marital discipline is? Watch Paul explain what it's all about and learn about the principle of free will.

I'm here to help you have an extraordinary marriage, and so should you. What's going on in society is a breakdown, in most cases, of the values that people used to hold. Some of them were wrong and based on dogma, misinterpretations of Scripture, rather than real realistic, deep principles that would help you. But many of those principles were of tremendous value, and those old-fashioned values translate into self-discipline. That's what you should adhere to in order to gain the great benefits of marriage, and the benefits of marriage are phenomenal when you understand marriage, when you understand the principles, when you understand the operating system, when you understand your husband or wife, when you understand yourself.

It's amazing how marriage works because you got married to be happy and that's one of the principles. You got married to be happy and that principle says that in our marriage we don't do anything that makes your spouse or ourselves unhappy. You learn to control your mind. Self-discipline used to be a very normal thing that we learned in school but that has faded away. We now live in a society where blame is directed at others. We believe that external circumstances determine our happiness but that's not true. We have to control our own happiness, our own mind. We have to be able to weed out things that aren't working or working and we filter them out appropriately, without blame, without judgment, without expectations and we may say, "Whoa, he/she… why the hell are they doing that?" But we don't allow that kind of thinking.

That's the kind of old-fashioned marital discipline that makes a marriage work. One of the biggest marriage killers is over-familiarity, that's what I call it: we start taking each other for granted, we see each other after a while as someone who has to meet our expectations, and we don't allow them to be themselves, or worse, we treat them poorly. We treat our spouse in a disrespectful way. Now, sometimes when you're in a bad mood or something, you have to challenge your mind before anything comes out of your mouth, or even in your head. Having a negative idea about your spouse is harmful. That won't work, and that's what I mean by old-fashioned discipline. It's self-discipline. You are not responsible for your spouse.

One of the most important principles that should guide your marriage is the principle of free will. Everyone has their own free will, but we don't go far enough when it comes to recognizing our spouse's free will. Your free will should be absolute in your view, even though there are no absolutes in the world. Your attitude toward your spouse's free will should be absolute. So when they say something or think something and reveal their thoughts or do something, you should never think you have the right to say something that contradicts what they think. Yes, you can interject and say, "That's really interesting. I think blah blah blah," but imposing your will on your spouse's will is harmful.

Once again, old-fashioned self-discipline means old-fashioned marital discipline, so that's where I come from with this notion of old-fashioned ideas and ideals. To me, they work old-fashioned. In this context, that means relying on universal principles that just never fail, like the ones I just discussed. That is very important for a healthy and happy marriage, that is, it should
an expectation of ever greater happiness, of ever greater love. Not love in the sense of
Higher class like. Love in terms of the soul, that quality that your soul mates, that you trust each other, that you support each other, that you fulfill each other not expectations but needs
as a soul for love. Maybe old-fashioned, but in my opinion also very new-fashioned. I will leave you alone with these thoughts.

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